sapphire2309: (heart)
Hello and welcome to this venting space disguised as a fanfic journal. If you are comfortable with my particular brand of weird (otherwise known as human) please drop me a message or a comment or another such communication, and I will further open up my life via the magical click of a gold access button that will then turn silver. Which makes no sense, according to the dominant narrative that values gold more than silver. But then again, that means I'm insinuating that my friendship is precious, which requires a greater degree of narcissism than I possess. I could ramble further, but I'd probably stop making sense soon.

If you're here for the fic, I'm sorry, fanfic broadcasts are very sporadic, you're more likely to find rambles about music and my latest obsessions than any actual fic. Sapphire writes fanfic, it is true, but the fanfic is rare and sometimes never posted, even when written.

Yes, I'm terrible at welcomes, how did you know?
sapphire2309: (Kate)
And as usual, I went overboard :P But I really don't know how not to, and I'm going to stick with what feels right, because I'm tired of stuffing things away, and if I can't be at least a little more honest than I usually am on the internets, then where?

Clicky!
sapphire2309: (Alex 01)
Thank you all for your comments on my previous post (leave any further responses you may have under that post, please). I don't plan on ignoring them, I just need more time and energy to give them the thoughtful response they deserve - I've been unwell for the past 6-7 days and it's sapping my energy. Also, it's not a good idea for me to let my mind go there in this state - talking myself down from a ledge requires as much energy as anything else, and I tend to be a little more susceptible to braincrap when tired.

Thanks for understanding c:
sapphire2309: (heart)
According to a very beautiful person on AO3, and confirmed by Sheikh Google, yesterday (day before yesterday? it's technically past midnight for me) was Suicide Awareness Day. And, since I'm in a stable enough headspace to talk about it, you get... me talking about it.

(that's a spoiler and not a cut tag because I want people with the new LJ to still be able to see the TW)

Over the past few years, I've been suicidal on and off, I've thought about killing myself on and off, I've sat on rooftops/balconies many times, I've had access to enough antidepressants to off myself and seriously contemplated taking them once.

I'm going to speak only for myself because I know very well that not everyone experiences depression the same way

What people don't seem to understand about my headspace when I'm there, on that roof, with those strips of pills in my hands, is that I am absolutely convinced that me being dead is honestly the best way forward for everyone. I know that there are people who will be hurt if I die, but I weigh that against the constant barrage of inconveniences and pain that my continued existence inflicts on them every day, and the balance tilts in favour of suicide.

What's more, it doesn't even feel like the people who are still around me will bother with caring too much. Being on the edge of suicide is horrible loneliness combined with this strange conviction that this is the right thing to do.

Yeah, it's a real mindfuck.


Today and now, I'm on medication that helps keep me okay. I'm in a stressful educational environment, but I'm learning to deal with that. I'm away from my family and I don't miss them and I think they don't miss me either, but that doesn't make me sad, that's just growing up. I have a roommate, several acquaintances, excellent professors and teaching fellows, a few very kind relatives, and a therapist.

I'm okay.

It feels like a fucking miracle, let me tell you. I'm so scared I'll do something and then be forced to sit around and watch as it all crumbles, but for now, like this, I'm okay.

Let this last, god, and I might even believe in you.

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sapphire2309

June 2017

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