sapphire2309: (heart)
Hi! You can call me Tanya. I prefer she/her pronouns, though my appearance is just androgynous enough that I can be mistaken for a guy. My preferred word for my sexuality is sapphic. (I feel like I'm not gay enough to be a lesbian but too gay to be bi, so this is the in between.) If you're wondering about the journal title, Tanya isn't my wallet name. She's my online self, and she's my audience, as far as I'm concerned.

I post a hell of a lot about varied mental health crap behind an f-lock. I write for myself, especially when I write about my beliefs and thought processes. Lately, this journal has been a badly kept record of realizations about my mental processes. I hope all this introspection leads to some changes, no matter how slight.

Posts that aren't quite as personal (see: fannish interests, music, media) are typically posted outside of the f-lock. I don't know how often I post publicly, but there must be enough entries by now to give you a sense of my general style of writing. Journaling? Idk.

I write poetry sometimes. I keep those words at afirelullaby. This tumblr is very sedate and organised.

I also have another tumblr - sapphire2309. This tumblr is a typical tumblr tumblr. It is an emotional rollercoaster and also completely random. Kinda like me.

When the muse strikes, I write fanfiction. My main fandoms right now are Person of Interest and White Collar, though I have written in other fandoms, and posted thoughts about other shows. The best place to browse my fanfic would be at AO3, where I post as sapphire2309. The second best would be the various fandom tags on this journal, which I use only for fanwork and not random fannish thoughts.

My friending policy is fairly random. I add you to my circle if I like what you post. I give you access if I feel like I know you at least a little. I'm not comfortable accepting journal access from someone I haven't given access to, and vice versa. But if we have interests in common, feel free to reach out!

Comments are screened, in case you'd like to say something and don't want to use the DW messaging system for whatever reason.
sapphire2309: (heart)
3. A song that reminds you of summer

I'm gonna go with Still In Love With You by Sade, even though pretty much any song with a good acoustic guitar line fits the bill. It's a very summery instrument. It's also true to my experience of summer in that it's casually melancholy without really going anywhere deep with the sadness, just staying on the surface. I sort of walk around like a zombie in summer.
sapphire2309: (Alex 01)
Thank you all for your comments on my previous post (leave any further responses you may have under that post, please). I don't plan on ignoring them, I just need more time and energy to give them the thoughtful response they deserve - I've been unwell for the past 6-7 days and it's sapping my energy. Also, it's not a good idea for me to let my mind go there in this state - talking myself down from a ledge requires as much energy as anything else, and I tend to be a little more susceptible to braincrap when tired.

Thanks for understanding c:
sapphire2309: (heart)
According to a very beautiful person on AO3, and confirmed by Sheikh Google, yesterday (day before yesterday? it's technically past midnight for me) was Suicide Awareness Day. And, since I'm in a stable enough headspace to talk about it, you get... me talking about it.

(that's a spoiler and not a cut tag because I want people with the new LJ to still be able to see the TW)

Over the past few years, I've been suicidal on and off, I've thought about killing myself on and off, I've sat on rooftops/balconies many times, I've had access to enough antidepressants to off myself and seriously contemplated taking them once.

I'm going to speak only for myself because I know very well that not everyone experiences depression the same way

What people don't seem to understand about my headspace when I'm there, on that roof, with those strips of pills in my hands, is that I am absolutely convinced that me being dead is honestly the best way forward for everyone. I know that there are people who will be hurt if I die, but I weigh that against the constant barrage of inconveniences and pain that my continued existence inflicts on them every day, and the balance tilts in favour of suicide.

What's more, it doesn't even feel like the people who are still around me will bother with caring too much. Being on the edge of suicide is horrible loneliness combined with this strange conviction that this is the right thing to do.

Yeah, it's a real mindfuck.


Today and now, I'm on medication that helps keep me okay. I'm in a stressful educational environment, but I'm learning to deal with that. I'm away from my family and I don't miss them and I think they don't miss me either, but that doesn't make me sad, that's just growing up. I have a roommate, several acquaintances, excellent professors and teaching fellows, a few very kind relatives, and a therapist.

I'm okay.

It feels like a fucking miracle, let me tell you. I'm so scared I'll do something and then be forced to sit around and watch as it all crumbles, but for now, like this, I'm okay.

Let this last, god, and I might even believe in you.
sapphire2309: (Sara 2)
Title: She's Just Like The Weather, Can't Hold Her Together.
Characters (Pairings) Sara Ellis, Neal Caffrey (Sara/Neal)
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1465
Disclaimer: White Collar is Jeff Eastin's brainchild. Not mine.
Summary: It's mildly alarming, really, how badly Sara's dealt with Neal's death.
Content Notes: Anorexia. Reference to suicide. Hallucinations.
Author's Note: Title from Landscape by Florence + the Machine.
For the mini fest at [livejournal.com profile] wc_women_fest. S6 finale tag.
It's past midnight, and I'm not in a good headspace. Proceed with caution. (There is light, though.)

Sara doesn't breathe. )

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